your. SMILE(:

It always dawns on you too late.

A friendship forged seven years back. Started out so unstable and rocky, as adolescents, we were already gossiping about each other, yet appearing to be buddies. And yet, few months later, we evolved into true friends unexpectedly. Though there were no memories both of us can recollect, we often mused over the mere fact that we got together as steadfast friends, and years later, we grew to realise that quantity of meet-ups were never impt, it was the quality. We never had stormy tiffs actually, though there were a number of times you left me mysteriously for another gang. Recalling back, you weren't the stand-by-me-no-matter-what kinda bestie, and yet i still viewed you as one. Now, I am really questioning myself if that is plain foolishness or all but just my willingness to stubbornly think the best of you still?

Perhaps it's predominantly my fault, for suddenly intruding in your life 4 months back. You helped me without further questions, and accompanied me till i got better. I was grateful for your company, thankful that I had you as my very best of friends. And yet, i withdrew from you almost immediately when things were alright again for me. I guess I've always held on to the slightest hope that you might be happy for me, for getting what/who I always wanted, because that's what make me happy too. But again, I guessed wrong. You were not pleased apparently, though you breathed no word about it. I dare not talk to you about my emotional feelings nor my innest thoughts, for fear that i may jsut lose you as my friend altogether.

When somebody kind of indicated to me that you aren't what I perceived you to be, I was defiant and defended you straight away. I felt tons of remorse, building up inside of me like the raging fires in a volcano. Because over those particular past few months, you had proven to be a very good friend, even though at that time we weren't talking as much anymore. Or so I thought. I should have sensed the wall you subtly build against me, I should have expected that, and yet I did not. Was it my constant obstinency to think the best out of everyone, especially you, or was I too conspicuously unintelligent and unobservant?

You knocked out all breath in me, in a very distressing manner. Just that one simple line. Is, or rather, was our friendship really that superficial. I was rather disturbed before, by how you wanted money for your own use, when days ago, you were chatting to me happily about how your parents are going to reward you for your results. Yet, I know it was my fault to start with. But you have gone too far. I can never forget that one simple line, which jarred my mind with one unexpected blow. The sudden emotional disturbance created the most humane physological reaction in me. I did not bawl my eyes out, nor did I cry out in obstreperousness. One convulsive gasp, before i started weeping. And as fast as I started this rather hapless act, I stopped. I couldn't be more thwarted in my emotions and perception of you. You put me in a quandary condition, one that I know not what to opinionate of you.

But it became clearer this time. When I heard of how you wrote that comment, which drowned all hopes of salvaging this friendship, i plunged into a cognitive state, my thoughts disorientated. I'm sorry i had to say this but you strike me with disgust when I saw it in my own eyes. How could I not notice this was coming? How could I be so sightless as to not realise all these? Why was it that, even after the many times you ran off with the others, witnessing the forlorn me dragging my feet along during camp, I still forgave you just in a mere blink of eye? Was it my imbecility? I balanced out my feelings good and proper this time, and I looked back at it with apathy. Your scorns were met with my disapproval. If you wish to be disconcertingly blunt, and purposefully hurl hurting remarks at me and him, I have got nothing else to say.

I do not wish to condemn you, nor do I even blame you even now. Though I was flabbergasted at your crude remarks, and lost all will to keep this friendship going, you will be that someone who has walked through a part of my life, in one way or another. And nothing can change that. I still love you, as a friend, even if you still are or not.

Is our friendship now void of value and meaning? Or have you threw it away into your past already?